A long week

Second week of fluids is dragging. So over them. Just blah. I want FOOD dammit. I'm hungry then I feel ill then I am hungry again. I think that I will feel better on solids yet I am terrified to move onto them. I am scared of everything. I didn't realise I'd be so fearful, its exhausting. I worry about leaks, I worry about the adjustment, how hard it is to know when I am full, will it always be like this, will I always struggle to eat, will this goddam thing just settle already!!!! I'm not even 2 weeks out, its incredibly unfair of me to want anything more than where I am at. I feel good, don't need painkillers much at all (and when I do its just 2 panadol for a bit of muscle soreness). My incisions are healing well. The soreness when I drink is all but faded, the wind has settled with daily degas. I am doing well. Im just... scared. Its who I am, though. I worry about things I needn't all the time. I often think of the surgery and think did i REALLY do this??? Its so drastic. its so intense. I just had half my STOMACH removed. I feel a bit in shock as it all sinks in and the long term retraining of my habits and stuff begins. Its going to be a long road, I always knew that. or I thought I did. the reality is a bit confronting I think! People always said the mental part is gonna be the hardest. It seems true. And I have only just begun. Part of me just desperately wants to be 6m in where everything has settled and I know what I am doing ya know??

A friend used a great analogy - It'll fly by. There'll be a day when you can even remember the horrors of surgery and recovery. Like climbing a mountain: the way is is grueling and horrible, you get to the top and it's amazing and breathtaking and then it's all down hill. It's the only reason I've ever gone up more than 1 mountain...

She is so right. I'll just keep climbing this mountain.